In-Law Relations

Many movies and TV shows have taken the difficulty of getting along with in-laws and made them comical toward which many of us can relate to.  Having in-laws can be a head-butting and troublesome thing to deal with, but my focus here is how we should treat one another and how we can get along.  

Turning to Each Other Instead of Your Parents

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

Both the parents and their children who are being married off must accept and follow this wise scripture. When we marry, we start a new life with our spouse, and they are supposed to be our new confidant.  This can be difficult for those who were very close to their parents, especially mothers and daughters.  Mothers often have a hard time letting go of their child and losing that control.  They want their children to be happy and to be with someone they deserve, but they have to understand that they need to lovingly butt out so that their child and their new spouse can find their marital independence together.  The newly wed daughter who used to tell her mother everything and vent to her needs to turn to her husband instead.  How can they grow together if they never confide in each other, and go to their parents instead?  If the parents-in-law accept and withdraw from smothering their child and their new spouse with advice and trying to make them do things, then their relationship with their in-law will be less strained.

Holidays
This is a tricky part that every couple hits within the first little bit of their marriage.  

• Who do we spend which holiday with?

• When can we start having our own as a new family?  

• Will we offend our families if we can't go to every family gathering or prefer to have our own?  

These questions go through all of our minds.  I want to share a personal example for this part.
Example: I have always loved spending holidays with my family.  It means everything to me.  I like how we do things and how into each holiday we get.  When I was engaged to John, the only time I could meet my in-laws before our marriage was Thanksgiving.  Luckily, I had spent Thanksgiving away from most of my family the year before so that one was no biggie for me.  That Christmas ended up being spent with my family since we were to get married just a few weeks later in that area.  However, the next couple of Christmases after were also spent with my family.  Thanksgiving ended being with my brother's family and in-laws and then we finally held one at our place with our best friends who were also newly weds and my younger brother, then last time was at my mother-in-law and step father-in-law's place with John's siblings.  John's parents divorced when he was 19 and so he prefers to spend holidays with whoever has his siblings if we do spend them with his family.  
Last Christmas, my father-in-law was to have the kids and they would spend it over at his parent's house which was where we were staying at that time.  However, my sister's wedding was a week before the holiday in New England.  My whole family was going to be spending Christmas together, and my dad's side of my extended family were all going over to where they were staying to spend Christmas Day together.  I hadn't spent a holiday (especially Christmas) with all of them since I was a little girl, and they are my fondest childhood memories.  I absolutely adore my extended family.  But I knew it had been about 6 years since John even got a Christmas with his siblings.  He obviously deserved that turn and I accepted going to the wedding and still seeing everyone but coming back the day before Christmas Eve to spend it with John's family a good compromise.  
It was still hard to be the only one of my family not with everyone else, but I knew how special that Christmas ended up being for John to spend it with his beloved family.  I don't regret that decision.  I was spoiled enough until then to have every many Christmas with my family anyway!  How did I get away with that for that long?

So, this holiday discussion is important to have with each other as spouses.  Don't let your parents guilt you into anything you don't want to do.  Make your own decisions and try starting your own traditions and having your own holidays when you're ready.  Some couples want to try that sooner than others (we're one of the slower ones I think!)

I know I focused mostly on holidays, but what needs to be worked on from the parents-in-law is letting them develop their marital identity, accepting differences of your in-law, avoid being intrusive in their marriage, only give advice when asked, and encourage your child to turn to their spouse rather than you.  These will relax what tension could be found among your in-laws and it shows you trust them and will give them independence.

Marital and Parenting Power Relationships

Power relationships in families have a big impact whether it's negative or positive.  When there are power struggles among the husband and wife, the strife rubs off on the children and the family slowly draw apart from each other.  However, if the parents are united in cause, then the family can flourish and strengthen in their bonds with one another.

First, we must recognize that parents are the leaders of the family.  The children look up to them and follow their example.  Parents need to be aware that their children will do as they observe from them.  The power relationship between the two of you is one of those things they observe. You have a powerful role that way, but must use it wisely and with love.  Do not dominate the children or be harsh with them.  Lead, guide, teach, love and respect them.  Don't become that lax parent who lets their children get away with whatever they want, because that ends up hurting them more than making them happy.  Make sure your standards are clear and unbreakable and explain why your rules are there. (AVOID: "Because I said so" answer)  Be together in your rule-making and making sure you are on the same page with each other as the parents.

"Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language-- 'No'... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency.  They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need." (John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children)

Second, we need to be united together in that said leadership position as I mentioned earlier.  If one parent says "no" to a child and the other says, "yes" then there will be obvious conflict there.  Children can and will take advantage of theses scenarios and will try to play their parents off of each other.  Not nice, but it happens.  It's important to avoid taking your child's side over your spouse.  Instead, whenever there is disagreement between the two of your on an issue a child approaches you with, take time to go speak to each other privately until you agree on something before answering your child.  That way, you are on the same page, you appear united to your children and no one does the dumg thing of demeaning your child's other parent in front of that child.

"Parents... should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children... The wife, also, should treat with the greatest respect and courtesy.  Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him... Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home. (Joseph F. Smith, "Gospel Doctrine", pp. 283-284)

Third, we must accept and acknowledge that the parent-child hierarchy that the children were raised in dissolves as they become adults and leave home.  This is something the mothers especially struggle with.  Losing and letting go of the control in keeping your children safe and influencing good decisions is basically gone.  Eventually our children marry and start their own families, and we need to restrain ourselves from getting too involved with that.  Parents with good-intentions have caused divorces in their children's marriages from trying to get involved.  We need to put the reigns on, watch and don't interfere with their marriages.  Yes, we've got tons of advice and yes, they may struggle in their marriage, but remember that no marriage is perfect.  That's great if they approach you and ask for advice, but be aware that they can do whatever with that advice.  They don't have to listen to you.  Your children might be the ones nervous about making their own choices or seek your help often.  We need to keep in mind the importance of their independence and not take advantage of that.  If they have a spouse, tell them to take the matter to them and discuss it with them.  Be very cautious to not overstep your boundaries, even if it's invited by your child.

"Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children... Live your own life." (President Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage", P. 17)

Fourth, your relationship with your spouse should be an equal partnership.  A lot of marital issues are caused by power struggles within the marriage.  If we treat our spouse as an equal in decisions and responsibilities and see them as such, you enjoy a happier and healthier relationship.  Be interested in hearing what your spouse has to say and take their opinions seriously.  Make sure that your children can see that you see their other parent as an equal partner.

"Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship between a man and a woman should be one of partnership.  A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed." (H. Burke Peterson, "Ensign", July 1989, p. 9)  

Fifth, figure out what your power relationship is within your marriage.  By identifying this together, you can figure out if that's the kind you want, and if not, then you can discuss together what you'd like to achieve in that area and how to do so.  This will help you achieve that equal partnership status if you don't have it already.  Therefore, this last and final step is important!

Following these steps will help you become the ideal (or at least get you closer to the ideal) parenting duo for you and your spouse.  Remember kindness with not just your children, but with each other.  Stay mindful of how you act with each other in front of your children, because they are watching and listening.  They learn from you.

Personal thoughts:  I know from using myself as an example that children take some of what they learn from their parents' marriage and apply it to their own.  Because I am aware of what I've done, I do all that I can to make sure I treat my husband as an equal and with respect in from of our daughter.  She's not even 18 months old, but we've already seen how she watches and repeats what she observes from us, like words and actions.  It's very humbling to see how vital an effect we have on a child.  We agreed in a previous Family Home Meeting back before our daughter was born that we would stand together on issues our children would approach us with.  If we are unsure or not on the same page, we've agreed to leave to room and discuss it with each other in private until we are agreed and decided and ready to take the answer to our child.  I hope these steps, quotes, and examples help influence and give you all the want to become equal in your marital and parental partnership, because it really does have a huge impact on the family how you decided to use your power.

Marital Infideity

This week's reading focused on a couple different things.  First, there was physical intimacy within marriage, and how it should be viewed (especially within the church).  Then, there was infidelity, and the different types of it.  What I would like to focus on this blog, is how infidelity comes to happen, and what to do to avoid it.

"Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity." (Kenneth W. Matheson, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

What kinds of infidelity are out there?  Well there's sexual and physical infidelity where you give your body to another who is not your spouse.  However, that's not the only way and only time a spouse "cheats" on the other.  There is emotional and spiritual infidelity.  Emotional infidelity is when your emotions and your thoughts focus on someone who isn't your spouse.

"Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing." (Kenneth W. Matheson, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

Because it's so gradual and begins innocent, it is important that we avoid the situations that can lead to harming our marriage.  Here's a suggestion of something my husband and I do that I encourage for every couple:
-At the beginning our marriage, we agreed to avoid finding ourselves alone with someone of the opposite gender.  No giving rides to them if they aren't accompanied by anyone else if it can be helped.  
-One other thing we agreed on is to give each other the passwords for all of our accounts (emails and Facebook).  This one mostly came from what happened in the marriage of my in-laws.  My mother-in-law got a Facebook account  and started communicating and private messaging someone who she went to high school with in the past.  She started confiding in him and complaining to him about her marriage.  Whenever my father-in-law walked into the room while she was doing so, she immediately switched pages so that he couldn't see what she was doing.  Eventually they got divorced, and so in order to avoid following in his parent's steps, we found it important to never keep secrets from one another and so having each other know the passwords, we're less likely to try to communicate with someone in secret like that.

If we never find ourselves alone and bonding with another who isn't our spouse, or communicating privately with them without our spouse's knowledge, then emotional infidelity is a lot easier to avoid.  I suggest that you be aware of when you find yourself 
-Forming a bond with someone of the opposite gender who isn't your spouse
-Starting to confide in this person more than your spouse
-Complain to that person about your marriage
-Compare your spouse to that individual and wish they were more like them
-Become more emotionally connected to the person and thinking of them more than your spouse

Watch for these warning signs so that you can stay out of trouble!  Your spouse should always be not just your #1, but your only one!

Overcoming Gridlock

What does it mean to be gridlocked over a problem?  It means that you and your spouse have a specific issue that you can't come to turns on and probably never will.  And so, it is unsolvable and locked, unable to open and get past.  The couple in gridlock also becomes emotionally disconnected from each other. 

Some examples of gridlock issues would be:
-One of you wants children, but the other doesn't
-One of you wants to attend church together but the other is Atheist
-One of you loves to get out of the house, but the other prefers staying home
(Examples taken from John Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.)

Gottman's suggestion in this area is not not try to solve it (since it obviously is impossible), but to turn it from gridlock to dialogue.  So that eventually you both can discuss it without hurting each other (emotionally).  And in order to start the journey, you need to first identify and understand the cause, but ultimately when your in gridlock, it's "a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other." (Gottman, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work)

Identify the cause: There are different levels of dreams (practical and proud).  However, the deeper the dream, the more likely they may be hidden and can be harder to identify.  Gottman mentioned that the deeper dreams are also often rooted in childhood, having to do with how you were raised whether they are fond memories you want to recreate or struggles you'd like to avoid with your own family.
Example: I have a dream to raise my children in the church I was raised in since it brought me such joy and comfort throughout my hardships and made me a better person,  Also, I'd love to recreate weekly church attendance together with my family which I enjoyed doing with mine growing up.

Respect the dream: Gottman said, "...the happy couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage."  When we discover our dreams together and incorporate them and each other's goals into our concept of marriage, then we'll be a happier couple.  Therefore, respect for those goals and dreams are an important step to becoming sensitive to each other and understand where you are coming from in the gridlock issue.
Example: My husband and I discussed our dreams (the ones we were aware of that we had at the time) with each other before we entered marriage so that we could be on the same page and gain support from one another for them.  That way the basics in that area down by the time we were married.

Discover those hidden dreams: This can be a difficult step and includes a lot of talking and some reminiscing to achieve.  Some of those dreams can be so deep down where it can be hard to identify where your actions and wants come from.  However, because these dreams can be the root of the gridlock problems, it makes it that much more important to discover these dreams so that you can discuss your issues without inflicting pain on one another.  When the dreams are discussed openly, the couple connects.  
Example (not a personal one): An nonreligious husband may be against upbringing his children in a church in fear of their being indoctrinated and relying on the church rather than him as their parent.  Growing up, he had no religion but always relied on his parents and they were close with each other.  His dream is to recreate that bond but with him as the parent and for his children to rely on him and be close to him.  The wife grew up relying on her religion which gave her comfort and strength and got her through the hard times.  Her dream is to recreate that with her children so that they can find comfort and strength from her religion like she did.  

Discuss those dreams: Discussing those dreams will bring out an understanding among each other and as I said earlier, will connect you emotionally.  Afterwards, soothe each other and you may even be able to have little agreements in one the subject, although it won't be solved completely.  This will bring you together and will complete the step out of gridlock because of your connection.
Example (not personal): Going back to the previous example I used, the couple discussed those memories and feelings and shared those dreams.  They then made an agreement that the wife could take the kids to church with her weekly and wouldn't oppose to baptism, but they were not to have intensive religious study so that they can avoid any ideas the church would put on the child that the husband would disapprove (like anything that would make the child turn to church rather than him).  There was no complete dream being made on either side, but enough so and they were able to talk about it and become closer together.

After completing these steps and saying thank you to each other and ending on a positive note will take away any judgement that was originally there and will invite happy feelings.  This connection once reached is very special especially when compared to where you came from (no emotion at all).  Gridlock had been overcome!  Your relationship is strengthened because of this achievement.  Enjoy this new accomplishment and remember these steps for your next gridlock issue!

Managing Conflict

 In John Gottman's book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, he says, "...I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship."  He continues to list 5 steps/suggestions on how to do so.  

Here are those said steps:

1. Soften your startup

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3. Soothe yourself and each other

4. Compromise

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults

Do many of these words sound familiar?  If you recall, it's because I mentioned them in a previous post of mine titled "Preventing Divorce".  That one focused more on the negative side of these of not using them correctly while this one shows the positive side of using them the right way.  

So lets break these down, shall we?

1. Soften your startup:  A soft startup is a direct complaint rather than a contemptuous accusation or criticism.  Remember how the harsh startup was so damaging?  Well when we begin softly, we are more likely to end softly.  As Dr. Gottman said, "...discussions invariably end on the same note they begin."
Personal Example- My husband promised me a few nights ago he would turn on the dishwasher since all of our dishes seemed to be in it, all unclean.  The next morning, I found the dishwasher as I last saw it, full of dirty dishes leaving me to clean some by hand in order to have breakfast.  When my husband came into the kitchen, instead of criticizing him, I just pointed at the dishwasher and said, "Dishwasher wasn't turned on."  Since I didn't attack him, he didn't get defensive and instead apologized and was frustrated at himself for forgetting.  No contempt between us found in that problem!

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts:  Just to remind you, a repair attempt is any effort at "putting the breaks on" in the middle of the discussion because it seems to be going downhill.  Any pause from the topic that will give you a restart works.  If not used, things will indeed worsen, and if not received by the other, then it's even worse, showing that they aren't backing down and won't try to make it better.  That's why it's important to not only offer those repair attempts, but also be willing to accept them when your spouse tries it.
Personal Example- When my husband and I start to get into arguments and he defends himself by pointing out something he does right in that area of discussion, then I always stop myself, and agree with him.  I would say something like, "You're right, I'm sorry."  If I ignored him instead, he would of felt, unappreciated, taken for granted, and ignored (because that's what I would have done to him!).  My acknowledgement showed my respect and gratitude for him and softened us up.

3. Soothe yourself and each other:  This one is referring to the physiological side which leads to calming your emotions.  When you find yourself or both of you feeling overwhelmed in a heated discussion, the best choice to to take a cooling down period of at least 20 minutes in order to let your body relax, which then calms your mind, making it capable of thinking again, and soothing your emotions.  After you're both completely calm, you can continue the discussion with a level head.  It provides a reset that was needed.
Example-  We actually haven't had such a heated discussion as of yet where we needed this, so I have no examples to give.  However, Gottman explains what to do in order to soothe yourself when you've taken that break from the argument.  He first suggests sitting in a comfortable chair or lying down, take regular, deep breaths to control your breathing, relax your muscles, let the tension flow out of them, and imagine them feeling heavy and warm, think calm thoughts (like of a peaceful forest), hold onto that peaceful thought for 30 seconds, and then continue to picture calming images until it's been at least 20 and you're all calm.  When soothing each other, you can help your spouse by guiding them through those same steps after you've taken them.

4. Compromise:  We all know what compromise is (when you both have to give up something to agree/accept whatever the problem is) and many of us still try to get 100% of what we want.  However, it's only damaging to the relationship.  We should be more focused on giving rather than taking.  Sometimes, we are not willing to budge on something, but we can make way for smaller things that have to do with the subject.  
Example- Gottman has an exercise for couples on compromise practice.  Both spouse is to have their own piece a paper where they draw two circles: the inner circle and the outer circle.  The inner circle (which is the smaller one inside the larger one that's the outer circle) is where you write down what you can't give up on, and the outer circle is where you list "all the aspects of the problem you can compromise about." (Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work) Then you share your lists with each other, look for common bases of where you agree, and discuss until you've come to a new mutual agreement on the topic.  The point is to accept and respect their differences and come up with a common way of thinking.  I highly recommend this activity to those needing work on compromise.

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults:  None of us are perfect and we can't expect our spouse to change everything that bugs us and become what we want them to be.  We are also imperfect and there are many things we do that bug our spouse, but we aren't going to change every single thing, are we?  We need to be more accepting rather than correcting.  Yes, we want to be able to help our spouse become a better person, but we have to give and take in that area.  Again, no one is perfect.  We just need to love them no matter their quirks and annoying habits.
Personal Example- My husband has a habit of forgetting to clean something when he's in charge of cleaning up our daughter after a meal, and I tend to find myself going back and cleaning what was missed.  I've talked to him about it several times, and he obviously doesn't mean to do it, so I decided I just have to accept that he'll most likely forget something.  I've moved on since.

NOTE:  These problem-solving techniques will only work if the problem is a solvable problem rather than a perpetual one (Permanent problem that cycles around and is never solved).

 "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other..."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

When we incorporate these steps, they will help us to get through successful conversations and come to an agreement on whatever that problem is discussed.  These bring in respect, love and care for one another, and help us catch ourselves when our arguments are going downhill.  We will become more unified as husband and wife and it will bring us closer together.  It helps build resiliency in a marriage and I don't know about you, but for me, this is what I want within my own marriage. To accept, respect, and be able to resolve our problems together.

Keeping Pride out of Marriage

Pride effects relationships only in a negative way.  It keeps us from getting along and holds us back from what could be a very loving and wonderful relationship.  When we let pride control us we become selfish beings who are set in their ways, unwilling to change or adjust.  We refuse advice and victimize ourselves.  Think about these aspects within a marriage.  Do you think that would go over well?  Not at all.

Many people today consider pride as feeling pleasure or satisfaction of their achievements, but in the scriptures, pride is when you become stubborn in your ways and place enmity between yourself and God.

 President Ezra Taft Benson once said:
"Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.  In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride- it is always considered a sin.  Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby."

So what do we need to replace pride with?  Humility.  Let your spouse influence you and don't resist them.  Accept them rather than try to change them and avoid competition ( who owes who favors, who wins the arguments, etc.). In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman gives a couple of activities to encourage and practice yielding for your spouse.  One was focusing more on how to take a situation where your spouse is upset at you and turn it into a "you're right, let's try to figure this out" end that would help bring the couple closer to together.  The second activity is a scenario where you and your spouse end up shipwrecked and on a deserted tropical island.  There is a list given of items out of which you and your spouse each write 10 of what you personally think are the most important items to keep for that situation.  You then have to share your top 10 with each other and out of those must pick 10 together.  This is good problem-solving practice as well as a good opportunity to be humble and not try to force your opinions on each other.  After everything's been chosen and agreed upon, there is a questionnaire for the couple to take to see how they handled the activity and if they let themselves be influenced by each other and if you got along while doing that or sulked.

All of us at one time or another find ourselves being prideful against our spouse, it's natural.  However, it's harmful and so we must do our best to get rid of it.  Because there are so many ways to be prideful, I will give a few things to work on avoiding the next week in any relationship (marriage, family, friends). 

• Defensiveness: When my husband or I confront each other of something we did wrong, or forgot to do, we both end up defending our actions.  Instead, we should be apologizing, recognizing what we slipped up on, and discuss it/work on it.  Take the humble way out!
• Stubbornness/Unwillingness to change:  In arguments, when John questions me about why I did something a certain way, even though I realize it was silly, I defend my actions and say that it's how I do things.  I should have recognized aloud that it was silly and from then on, would do what makes sense.
• Selfishness/Only thinking of your needs: Sometimes we focus on what we want and how we feel and tune out the others needs/wants/feelings when we argue.  We should really be putting each other first in everything.
• Unwillingness to learn from spouse: Going along with unwilling to change, in those discussions when I learn of something I do wrong or weird, sometimes I fight it and refuse to take anything from that discussion.  I should have let myself be influenced by him and realize it's ok to be corrected since I'm not perfect and I realized after he pointed it out that I was doing it weird/wrong anyways so I should accept it and learn from it.

Give these a practice, I'll be working on them too!  Remember to choose humility and that pride will only tear us down!

Active Listening and Becoming Closer as a Couple

What is a way we can remain emotionally connected with our spouse?  

ACTIVE LISTENING!

"How does one use active listening and in what ways?" you might ask.  Well, I'm giving suggestions that I learned through what I read this week in John M. Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I'll give examples of what my husband and I do in our daily lives to clarify and give ideas.

Keep this in mind: The small things are what count!  

• Small Discussions: Calling to check on each other, asking how their day went, how they slept the previous night, discussing what's for dinner.

Example: John (my husband) and I not only do all of these things daily, but we also discuss things we need to pick up whenever our next grocery trip is.  Whether or not the conversation is important, it is in the fact that each time you chat, your bond tightens and gets stronger ever so slightly. 

• Chores: Dishes and laundry need doing?  Ask your spouse to help out or offer to help if it's their turn (just make sure they know it's because you want to be with them, not because you think they'll mess up and do it wrong!). 
  

 Example: Depending on who starts, one of us will be washing, while the other is clearing the table, bringing the dirty dishes to the sink, and wiping down the stove/counters if needed.  Tag teaming it is the best way to do chores, don't you think? This provides time to just chat about your day or what's on your mind with each other.

• Running Errands: Grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, dropping a child off at or attending their sports/music practice.
  

Example:  John and I always do our grocery shopping together with very few exceptions.  This will obviously get more difficult to do when more children and work come into the picture.  Until then, John is attending Grad School and when he's available and we're in need of food, we head over to the store with our toddler and do the rounds together.  It's important to take advantage of opportunities like this when they present themselves so that you can spend more time together and get some more chatting in.

•  Have Stress-Reducing Conversations: Do you or your spouse have something on your mind and need to complain about something?  Have a conversation about it.
  

Example: John came home last night and needed to rant about how people expect so much more from him time-wise than he can give, how they don't understand just how busy he is, and the stress of studying for 10 finals.  These types of conversation is not a "fix my problem" kind and should not be treated as such.  Most of the time, your spouse just wants to rant and as Gottman said, react in a sympathetic way such as "poor baby" without actually saying that.  Gottman's tips in this area are 
1) Take Turns- Each of you should get to complain for about 15 minutes so you both get something off of your chest without cutting into the others rant session.
2) Don't Give Unsolicited Advice- Don't try to fix their problems if they aren't asking.  It only backfires.
3) Show Genuine Interest- Making eye-contact, nodding and responding show that you care about them and what they are saying.
4) Communicate Your Understanding- Show you know what they are saying and understand what they are going through.  Empathize and agree that you would feel the same way they do if you were in their shoes.
5) Take Your Spouse's Side- Be supportive even if you think they are in the wrong (and DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE IN THE WRONG).
6) Express A "We Against The World" Attitude- Let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7) Express Affection- Physical touch (hug, back rub/scratch, kiss)and verbal confirmation of your love for them is important to remind them you've got their back and that someone cares about them.
8) Validate Emotions- Agree that you'd feel the same way as them like "I'd be so frustrated about that too" to let them know that you know how they are feeling about their problems.

• Do Spiritual Things Together: Are you spiritual and share the same beliefs?  Go to church together, pray together, do whatever it is your religion is about, but do it together.

 

Example: John and I attend our church every Sunday, pray every night together, read scriptures together every night, have spiritual discussions often, attend the temple together and teach/share with one another for weekly Family Home Evenings.  If we learn or have a realization of some sort, we share that with each other.  Doing all these things not only helps us grow spiritually, but grow together and appreciate our similarities and the moments together.

  When couples follow these suggestions, they are sending signals to each other such as "I want to spend time with you, I like being with you," "I am interested in what you have to say and what your day was like."  These bring couples closer and over time, the more you've done this, the more resilient your marriage will be through the hard times.  Because you built so many positives from these moments, you will not be easily wavered in your relationship.

Cherishing Your Spouse

Replacing the negative thoughts with the positive is vital in keeping your marriage alive.  When we let the negativity overpower the positives, we start closing our minds to our joy and appreciation of our spouse.  Sometimes, going back and remembering what first sparked your relationship is a great way to jog your memory.  The best thing might be to just list all the positive qualities of your spouse, how they are helpful, and what you like about them.

A marriage is made up of two people who have problems that will likely be recurring ones, and if we just accept and become aware of that, we'd be able to handle those moments with more patience.  It's a given that we'll have plenty of times where our spouse can get irritating, and if we let it get to us, our view of them starts to become more negative.  There were a few activities listed in Gottman's book "the Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" that are encouraged to not only remember the positives, but also build a "Love Map" which is basically making room cognitively for your spouse.  Do you really know your spouse?  What's their dream, their philosophy, their friends, likes and dislikes?  Gottman's activities encourage getting to know each other and building those Love Maps for your spouse.
As I read the activities, more like the questionnaires to see if my husband and I have a Love Map for each other, I found that we do indeed, and it's because we converse and update each other daily.  Sometimes our questions are prompted by something we see or read and sometimes we just genuinely want to check up on each other.  My husband always asks me how I slept the night before.  I always ask John how his classes and exams are.  He always asks what my daughter and I did each day.  It starts simple and can grow to become more intimate and serious depending on how involved you both are in the conversation and what you want to know about each other.
A husband and wife are supposed to cling unto each other as stated in the scriptures.  God encourages a closeness in marriage, and getting to know each other and focusing on each others positive attributes will help to achieve that.  My goal is to continue my updating with my husband and to always remember how wonderful he is.

Preventing Divorce

This week I read and learned about specific things couples do during arguments that can eventually lead to divorce if not fixed.  These things I want to make sure I avoid in any future arguments or disagreements I may have with my husband. These signs are from John M. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work".

• The first sign is a Harsh Startup: It's when you begin the discussion by already being negative and accusatory.  Doesn't sound great, does it?  And yet, many of us do it, because it's too simple and easy to be frustrated by something your spouse has been doing that's bugging you and you've discussed it before and they haven't changed.  But we need more self-control, love and patience.  We need to stay calm and keep a clear head in order for the argument to be resolved.  Attacking each other doesn't help, it only hurts.  For example, I have a particular order of what needs to be cleaned off after our 1-year-old has a meal.  I'm usually the one taking care of it, so when my husband does it, I usually find at least 1 or 2 things that were missed.  I point out to him what he forgot to do as I go over and find it and take care of it later that day/night.  He's always sorry of course, and I get that it's my routine and not exactly his and so he's bound to forget something.  And yet even with that knowledge, I still get disappointed or a little frustrated when I find myself cleaning something he was supposed to take care of every time.  When we discuss what he's forgotten each time, it's important for me  to start out with, "John, this is still dirty," rather than "John, can't you remember to do everything for once?"  

• The second sign is The Four Horsemen, which compose of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are all "poisonous to a relationship" in Gottman's book.  When a criticism is used instead of a complaint, things won't work out as well, since a complaint would only be about that specific thing they are struggling with rather than attacking their personality or a characteristic with negative words.  For example, if I told my husband that he's so forgetful, I'm criticizing him rather than if I just used a specific complaint about that problem and said, "you seem to always miss cleaning one of these."  The criticism is more hurtful and just tears him down than the complaint would.  For contempt, an example would be sarcasm and cynicism used in the argument. According to Gottman, it "displays disgust" which only tears your partner down further.  Defensiveness is basically blaming your spouse.  Defensiveness is used a lot because when someone attacks you in a way, you want to defend your actions, but this act only adds more negativity.  Stonewalling is when one of the partners stops responding and basically just shuts down.  This is caused when they feel overwhelmed.  Which brings me to the next sign.

• The third sign is Flooding: This isn't far off from Stonewalling, and in fact, Stonewalling is used to protect from the potential of the Flooding, which is when you're left completely speechless and shocked from all of the negativity from your spouse is sudden and overwhelming.  If Flooding happens, then that person becomes emotionally distant and uninvolved from then on but in the relationship, not just the argument.

• The fourth sign is Body Language: This refers to the reactions of your body due to the stressful situation and how your heart rate and physical sensations are affected.  Some couples have been tested and showed as if they felt they were actually drowning with how their bodies reacted.  When that shows up, caused by the other signs (especially the negativity and attacks in general) this has the same lasting effect as the Flooding on the actual marriage.

• The fifth and last sign is Failed Repair Attempts: Repair Attempts are chances given to take a step back, take a breath, and start over when things are getting negative.  For example, an apology, a funny interruption that brings smiles or even laughs, to take the seriousness away for a bit, and even just saying that you need to calm down.  However, for it to work, the partner has to go along with it.  When they don't and just keep on going, then it's a failed one.  When couples can't have repaired attempts, then things aren't looking too bright for them.  It just shows they are only focusing on the negative.  John and I luckily respond easily to each others repair attempts.  Apologies and laughter work well with us, and we don't like hurting each others feelings.  I intend on never letting that change.

I want to avoid negativity and defensiveness.  I can complain, but I shouldn't attack John no matter what.  I need to be emotionally smart in my marriage and focus on the positives over the negatives.  By doing that, I can be more respectful towards him in our disagreements and issues and can even be more aware to have repaired attempts.  I want our disagreements to be healthy and not full of attacks.  I want to keep this understanding that we have even during these arguments that "no matter what, I still love you, we can work through this."  I intend to keep my marriage strong.

Contract vs Covenant Marriages

This week's reading has been on the difference between marriages that are treated as easily broken contracts and marriages that are taken much more seriously and endure.

Society has grown a little too fond of treating marriage as an easy out when things get tough.  They don't want to bother with fixing things, don't want to bother with communication, and just don't want to bother with anything in general.  This is what is referred to as a contract marriage.  When a couple marry, get any benefits as they can out of it, and then bail when any sign of trouble comes along. 
I don't want that.

What is a covenant marriage and how can I attain it?
Members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints do marriage a little differently than the rest.  We make a promise for forever and all eternity, not "'Til death shall us part".  We believe marriage and families go beyond the bonds of death and that they can remain together forever.  Forever is that key word and those who want it to last forever have to treat it like it will last forever.  No easy outs.  Intention that nothing will break them up, but bring them closer and stronger.  A contract marriage is when a husband and wife each give 50%, but a covenant marriage is when you both give 100%.  You both put your all into it.

There was a married couple I knew several years ago who had a newborn baby with a heart defect where he could not survive on his own.  That baby was flown immediately to a hospital more capable with dealing with the heart.  When the parents were transferred there later, they found their tiny baby hooked up to machines.  They had not been able to him yet and still weren't allowed to. This went on for day, and eventually the parents were informed that their son can't continue and will pass on soon.  The couple finally held their precious dying baby in their arms for the first time.  You can imagine somewhat the pain and despair they felt.  Eventually the baby died, leaving behind two very heart-broken parents.  This husband and wife turned to each other for comfort and support, which brought them closer together and made them realize that they can get through anything as long as they have each other.  That is a covenant marriage.  Other couples have separated over death of children.  That is a contract marriage.

I have been married to the most wonderful man I know and my best friend for a little over 3 years now, and we entered this marriage with the intention of getting through the hard times together and sticking with each other through it.  We intended on fixing whatever breaks or weakens and that we will continue to love and grow together forever.  We don't want a contract marriage, we know we are stronger than that.

  My husband and I have been faithful to our original intentions and so I would say that we have a covenant marriage.  Don't assume that we haven't had any problems yet.  I don't need to tell you our struggles, but there have been some and we've stuck together like glue.  These hard times brought us closer together and I am so glad that we have the mind that we won't let anything tear us apart.
I want a covenant marriage.  I have one, and I want to continue treating our marriage that way.

Which would you prefer?

Same-Sex Marriage

The reading in my marriage class this week was on same-sex marriage and how legalizing it affects marriages, society and children.  This is a very hot topic up for debate the last several years as gay marriage is becoming more acceptable and fought for.  Any two people in love should have the right to marry right?  However, I have learned from studies and the other readings that there is way more to the affects than many make it seem.  It's not shallow but a deep pool of consequences on multiple issues. 

However, my thoughts are on something else other than the consequences.  Either way, if you are for or against gay marriage, I believe that we need to handle this with way more respect than I have seen.  There are harmful remarks on both sides, and we need to treat this matter delicately and respectful.  We should prove we are mature human beings rather than act like vicious wild animals.  We should do all we can to refrain from saying hurtful things when disagreeing with someone on this issue.  Treat each other with love not hate.  Avoid accusations and bullying. 
As I said I see it on both sides, but I see most of it on the side of the Gay activists.  They ask for tolerance which the other side should give, but then they are intolerant of those who disagree with them.  They want rights and they fight for those rights, but then they go and take rights away from those who disagree with them.  Suing and/or trying to shut down or just plain attacking Christian companies for refusing to give their services to gay couples because its against their religious beliefs is unnecessary, intolerant and bullying.  There are so many other options of others who would be happy to give their services and you don't have the right to make anyone you want to anything for you.  This is supposed to be a free country, remember? 
To those who are against gay marriage:  There is a nicer way to approach this than yelling and calling the gays sinful and ridiculing them.  Do not bully a gay person in any way (verbally, physically, emotionally).  God told us to love everyone, and don't assume He meant "except the LGBT".  You are not being Christlike when you tear them down and insult and hurt them in any way.  There are ways to push for keeping traditional marriage without acting corrupt and hateful.  Preachers, don't preach hate over the pulpit to your congregation.  When you do these things, it's makes it easy for the gay activists to make your side look bad and full of hate.  Keep that in mind if you want to avoid that.  I'm not saying not to stand up for your beliefs, I want you to.  Just in a nice manner.
Love and respect is the key to making this debate a more peaceful and understanding one.  We may never agree on the subject, but we can love each other anyway and be mature about it.

I have attached a link to a conference where the leaders of my church gave their thoughts on being respectful and loving on this issue.  Just to clarify, I speak for myself.
 http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-news-conference-on-religious-freedom-and-nondiscrimination

Introduction of Marriage

The purpose of this blog is mainly for my Marriage class that I'm currently taking online through my University.  I will be making a new post weekly about what I have learned that week, my feelings and thoughts on the lesson, and whatever I feel impressed to say on that subject.  Sure, many of the things I will say will be my opinion based on what I've learned, but the statistics I am taught are not biased, so for those reading please keep that in mind. 

Here I will begin my first week.  I did a large amount of reading on marital statistics in the U.S. and how children with and without married parents fare.  From looking over The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012, I can say confidently that children are better off living with their biological father and mother who are happily married than in any other situation.  Those other situations of which I am referring to include single parents (where only one parent is alive/involved in the child's life, a parent who is cohabiting with someone other than the other parent) divorced parents, remarried parents, and parents who live together but never married.  I also read that the relationships of these couples do best when married (surprise!).

To me, this just affirms the importance of marriage.  However, marriage has been taken less seriously as the years go by.  It is treated as a contract that you can get out of once things get uncomfortable.  Commitment is a joke to those who treat marriage as this.  Convenience is what's most important to a lot of people in our society today and so the number of marriages is lowering and the wait for marriage is increasing.  The norm of marriage age back in the 1960's were 20 for women and 22 for men.  Today it seems to have jumped up to age 26 women, 28 men.  

I guess my main message here is that even though society and the media treat marriage lightly, it is fundamental for our society and for the family.