This week I read and learned about specific things couples do during arguments that can eventually lead to divorce if not fixed. These things I want to make sure I avoid in any future arguments or disagreements I may have with my husband. These signs are from John M. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work".
- The first sign is a Harsh Startup: It's when you begin the discussion by already being negative and accusatory. Doesn't sound great, does it? And yet, many of us do it, because it's too simple and easy to be frustrated by something your spouse has been doing that's bugging you and you've discussed it before and they haven't changed. But we need more self-control, love and patience. We need to stay calm and keep a clear head in order for the argument to be resolved. Attacking each other doesn't help, it only hurts. For example, I have a particular order of what needs to be cleaned off after our 1-year-old has a meal. I'm usually the one taking care of it, so when my husband does it, I usually find at least 1 or 2 things that were missed. I point out to him what he forgot to do as I go over and find it and take care of it later that day/night. He's always sorry of course, and I get that it's my routine and not exactly his and so he's bound to forget something. And yet even with that knowledge, I still get disappointed or a little frustrated when I find myself cleaning something he was supposed to take care of every time. When we discuss what he's forgotten each time, it's important for me to start out with, "John, this is still dirty," rather than "John, can't you remember to do everything for once?"
- The second sign is The Four Horsemen, which compose of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are all "poisonous to a relationship" in Gottman's book. When a criticism is used instead of a complaint, things won't work out as well, since a complaint would only be about that specific thing they are struggling with rather than attacking their personality or a characteristic with negative words. For example, if I told my husband that he's so forgetful, I'm criticizing him rather than if I just used a specific complaint about that problem and said, "you seem to always miss cleaning one of these." The criticism is more hurtful and just tears him down than the complaint would. For contempt, an example would be sarcasm and cynicism used in the argument. According to Gottman, it "displays disgust" which only tears your partner down further. Defensiveness is basically blaming your spouse. Defensiveness is used a lot because when someone attacks you in a way, you want to defend your actions, but this act only adds more negativity. Stonewalling is when one of the partners stops responding and basically just shuts down. This is caused when they feel overwhelmed. Which brings me to the next sign.
- The third sign is Flooding: This isn't far off from Stonewalling, and in fact, Stonewalling is used to protect from the potential of the Flooding, which is when you're left completely speechless and shocked from all of the negativity from your spouse is sudden and overwhelming. If Flooding happens, then that person becomes emotionally distant and uninvolved from then on but in the relationship, not just the argument.
- The fourth sign is Body Language: This refers to the reactions of your body due to the stressful situation and how your heart rate and physical sensations are affected. Some couples have been tested and showed as if they felt they were actually drowning with how their bodies reacted. When that shows up, caused by the other signs (especially the negativity and attacks in general) this has the same lasting effect as the Flooding on the actual marriage.
- The fifth and last sign is Failed Repair Attempts: Repair Attempts are chances given to take a step back, take a breath, and start over when things are getting negative. For example, an apology, a funny interruption that brings smiles or even laughs, to take the seriousness away for a bit, and even just saying that you need to calm down. However, for it to work, the partner has to go along with it. When they don't and just keep on going, then it's a failed one. When couples can't have repaired attempts, then things aren't looking too bright for them. It just shows they are only focusing on the negative. John and I luckily respond easily to each others repair attempts. Apologies and laughter work well with us, and we don't like hurting each others feelings. I intend on never letting that change.
I want to avoid negativity and defensiveness. I can complain, but I shouldn't attack John no matter what. I need to be emotionally smart in my marriage and focus on the positives over the negatives. By doing that, I can be more respectful towards him in our disagreements and issues and can even be more aware to have repaired attempts. I want our disagreements to be healthy and not full of attacks. I want to keep this understanding that we have even during these arguments that "no matter what, I still love you, we can work through this." I intend to keep my marriage strong.
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