Cherishing Your Spouse

Replacing the negative thoughts with the positive is vital in keeping your marriage alive.  When we let the negativity overpower the positives, we start closing our minds to our joy and appreciation of our spouse.  Sometimes, going back and remembering what first sparked your relationship is a great way to jog your memory.  The best thing might be to just list all the positive qualities of your spouse, how they are helpful, and what you like about them.

A marriage is made up of two people who have problems that will likely be recurring ones, and if we just accept and become aware of that, we'd be able to handle those moments with more patience.  It's a given that we'll have plenty of times where our spouse can get irritating, and if we let it get to us, our view of them starts to become more negative.  There were a few activities listed in Gottman's book "the Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" that are encouraged to not only remember the positives, but also build a "Love Map" which is basically making room cognitively for your spouse.  Do you really know your spouse?  What's their dream, their philosophy, their friends, likes and dislikes?  Gottman's activities encourage getting to know each other and building those Love Maps for your spouse.
As I read the activities, more like the questionnaires to see if my husband and I have a Love Map for each other, I found that we do indeed, and it's because we converse and update each other daily.  Sometimes our questions are prompted by something we see or read and sometimes we just genuinely want to check up on each other.  My husband always asks me how I slept the night before.  I always ask John how his classes and exams are.  He always asks what my daughter and I did each day.  It starts simple and can grow to become more intimate and serious depending on how involved you both are in the conversation and what you want to know about each other.
A husband and wife are supposed to cling unto each other as stated in the scriptures.  God encourages a closeness in marriage, and getting to know each other and focusing on each others positive attributes will help to achieve that.  My goal is to continue my updating with my husband and to always remember how wonderful he is.

Preventing Divorce

This week I read and learned about specific things couples do during arguments that can eventually lead to divorce if not fixed.  These things I want to make sure I avoid in any future arguments or disagreements I may have with my husband. These signs are from John M. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work".

• The first sign is a Harsh Startup: It's when you begin the discussion by already being negative and accusatory.  Doesn't sound great, does it?  And yet, many of us do it, because it's too simple and easy to be frustrated by something your spouse has been doing that's bugging you and you've discussed it before and they haven't changed.  But we need more self-control, love and patience.  We need to stay calm and keep a clear head in order for the argument to be resolved.  Attacking each other doesn't help, it only hurts.  For example, I have a particular order of what needs to be cleaned off after our 1-year-old has a meal.  I'm usually the one taking care of it, so when my husband does it, I usually find at least 1 or 2 things that were missed.  I point out to him what he forgot to do as I go over and find it and take care of it later that day/night.  He's always sorry of course, and I get that it's my routine and not exactly his and so he's bound to forget something.  And yet even with that knowledge, I still get disappointed or a little frustrated when I find myself cleaning something he was supposed to take care of every time.  When we discuss what he's forgotten each time, it's important for me  to start out with, "John, this is still dirty," rather than "John, can't you remember to do everything for once?"  

• The second sign is The Four Horsemen, which compose of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which are all "poisonous to a relationship" in Gottman's book.  When a criticism is used instead of a complaint, things won't work out as well, since a complaint would only be about that specific thing they are struggling with rather than attacking their personality or a characteristic with negative words.  For example, if I told my husband that he's so forgetful, I'm criticizing him rather than if I just used a specific complaint about that problem and said, "you seem to always miss cleaning one of these."  The criticism is more hurtful and just tears him down than the complaint would.  For contempt, an example would be sarcasm and cynicism used in the argument. According to Gottman, it "displays disgust" which only tears your partner down further.  Defensiveness is basically blaming your spouse.  Defensiveness is used a lot because when someone attacks you in a way, you want to defend your actions, but this act only adds more negativity.  Stonewalling is when one of the partners stops responding and basically just shuts down.  This is caused when they feel overwhelmed.  Which brings me to the next sign.

• The third sign is Flooding: This isn't far off from Stonewalling, and in fact, Stonewalling is used to protect from the potential of the Flooding, which is when you're left completely speechless and shocked from all of the negativity from your spouse is sudden and overwhelming.  If Flooding happens, then that person becomes emotionally distant and uninvolved from then on but in the relationship, not just the argument.

• The fourth sign is Body Language: This refers to the reactions of your body due to the stressful situation and how your heart rate and physical sensations are affected.  Some couples have been tested and showed as if they felt they were actually drowning with how their bodies reacted.  When that shows up, caused by the other signs (especially the negativity and attacks in general) this has the same lasting effect as the Flooding on the actual marriage.

• The fifth and last sign is Failed Repair Attempts: Repair Attempts are chances given to take a step back, take a breath, and start over when things are getting negative.  For example, an apology, a funny interruption that brings smiles or even laughs, to take the seriousness away for a bit, and even just saying that you need to calm down.  However, for it to work, the partner has to go along with it.  When they don't and just keep on going, then it's a failed one.  When couples can't have repaired attempts, then things aren't looking too bright for them.  It just shows they are only focusing on the negative.  John and I luckily respond easily to each others repair attempts.  Apologies and laughter work well with us, and we don't like hurting each others feelings.  I intend on never letting that change.

I want to avoid negativity and defensiveness.  I can complain, but I shouldn't attack John no matter what.  I need to be emotionally smart in my marriage and focus on the positives over the negatives.  By doing that, I can be more respectful towards him in our disagreements and issues and can even be more aware to have repaired attempts.  I want our disagreements to be healthy and not full of attacks.  I want to keep this understanding that we have even during these arguments that "no matter what, I still love you, we can work through this."  I intend to keep my marriage strong.

Contract vs Covenant Marriages

This week's reading has been on the difference between marriages that are treated as easily broken contracts and marriages that are taken much more seriously and endure.

Society has grown a little too fond of treating marriage as an easy out when things get tough.  They don't want to bother with fixing things, don't want to bother with communication, and just don't want to bother with anything in general.  This is what is referred to as a contract marriage.  When a couple marry, get any benefits as they can out of it, and then bail when any sign of trouble comes along. 
I don't want that.

What is a covenant marriage and how can I attain it?
Members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints do marriage a little differently than the rest.  We make a promise for forever and all eternity, not "'Til death shall us part".  We believe marriage and families go beyond the bonds of death and that they can remain together forever.  Forever is that key word and those who want it to last forever have to treat it like it will last forever.  No easy outs.  Intention that nothing will break them up, but bring them closer and stronger.  A contract marriage is when a husband and wife each give 50%, but a covenant marriage is when you both give 100%.  You both put your all into it.

There was a married couple I knew several years ago who had a newborn baby with a heart defect where he could not survive on his own.  That baby was flown immediately to a hospital more capable with dealing with the heart.  When the parents were transferred there later, they found their tiny baby hooked up to machines.  They had not been able to him yet and still weren't allowed to. This went on for day, and eventually the parents were informed that their son can't continue and will pass on soon.  The couple finally held their precious dying baby in their arms for the first time.  You can imagine somewhat the pain and despair they felt.  Eventually the baby died, leaving behind two very heart-broken parents.  This husband and wife turned to each other for comfort and support, which brought them closer together and made them realize that they can get through anything as long as they have each other.  That is a covenant marriage.  Other couples have separated over death of children.  That is a contract marriage.

I have been married to the most wonderful man I know and my best friend for a little over 3 years now, and we entered this marriage with the intention of getting through the hard times together and sticking with each other through it.  We intended on fixing whatever breaks or weakens and that we will continue to love and grow together forever.  We don't want a contract marriage, we know we are stronger than that.

  My husband and I have been faithful to our original intentions and so I would say that we have a covenant marriage.  Don't assume that we haven't had any problems yet.  I don't need to tell you our struggles, but there have been some and we've stuck together like glue.  These hard times brought us closer together and I am so glad that we have the mind that we won't let anything tear us apart.
I want a covenant marriage.  I have one, and I want to continue treating our marriage that way.

Which would you prefer?

Same-Sex Marriage

The reading in my marriage class this week was on same-sex marriage and how legalizing it affects marriages, society and children.  This is a very hot topic up for debate the last several years as gay marriage is becoming more acceptable and fought for.  Any two people in love should have the right to marry right?  However, I have learned from studies and the other readings that there is way more to the affects than many make it seem.  It's not shallow but a deep pool of consequences on multiple issues. 

However, my thoughts are on something else other than the consequences.  Either way, if you are for or against gay marriage, I believe that we need to handle this with way more respect than I have seen.  There are harmful remarks on both sides, and we need to treat this matter delicately and respectful.  We should prove we are mature human beings rather than act like vicious wild animals.  We should do all we can to refrain from saying hurtful things when disagreeing with someone on this issue.  Treat each other with love not hate.  Avoid accusations and bullying. 
As I said I see it on both sides, but I see most of it on the side of the Gay activists.  They ask for tolerance which the other side should give, but then they are intolerant of those who disagree with them.  They want rights and they fight for those rights, but then they go and take rights away from those who disagree with them.  Suing and/or trying to shut down or just plain attacking Christian companies for refusing to give their services to gay couples because its against their religious beliefs is unnecessary, intolerant and bullying.  There are so many other options of others who would be happy to give their services and you don't have the right to make anyone you want to anything for you.  This is supposed to be a free country, remember? 
To those who are against gay marriage:  There is a nicer way to approach this than yelling and calling the gays sinful and ridiculing them.  Do not bully a gay person in any way (verbally, physically, emotionally).  God told us to love everyone, and don't assume He meant "except the LGBT".  You are not being Christlike when you tear them down and insult and hurt them in any way.  There are ways to push for keeping traditional marriage without acting corrupt and hateful.  Preachers, don't preach hate over the pulpit to your congregation.  When you do these things, it's makes it easy for the gay activists to make your side look bad and full of hate.  Keep that in mind if you want to avoid that.  I'm not saying not to stand up for your beliefs, I want you to.  Just in a nice manner.
Love and respect is the key to making this debate a more peaceful and understanding one.  We may never agree on the subject, but we can love each other anyway and be mature about it.

I have attached a link to a conference where the leaders of my church gave their thoughts on being respectful and loving on this issue.  Just to clarify, I speak for myself.
 http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-news-conference-on-religious-freedom-and-nondiscrimination

Introduction of Marriage

The purpose of this blog is mainly for my Marriage class that I'm currently taking online through my University.  I will be making a new post weekly about what I have learned that week, my feelings and thoughts on the lesson, and whatever I feel impressed to say on that subject.  Sure, many of the things I will say will be my opinion based on what I've learned, but the statistics I am taught are not biased, so for those reading please keep that in mind. 

Here I will begin my first week.  I did a large amount of reading on marital statistics in the U.S. and how children with and without married parents fare.  From looking over The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012, I can say confidently that children are better off living with their biological father and mother who are happily married than in any other situation.  Those other situations of which I am referring to include single parents (where only one parent is alive/involved in the child's life, a parent who is cohabiting with someone other than the other parent) divorced parents, remarried parents, and parents who live together but never married.  I also read that the relationships of these couples do best when married (surprise!).

To me, this just affirms the importance of marriage.  However, marriage has been taken less seriously as the years go by.  It is treated as a contract that you can get out of once things get uncomfortable.  Commitment is a joke to those who treat marriage as this.  Convenience is what's most important to a lot of people in our society today and so the number of marriages is lowering and the wait for marriage is increasing.  The norm of marriage age back in the 1960's were 20 for women and 22 for men.  Today it seems to have jumped up to age 26 women, 28 men.  

I guess my main message here is that even though society and the media treat marriage lightly, it is fundamental for our society and for the family.