Active Listening and Becoming Closer as a Couple

What is a way we can remain emotionally connected with our spouse?  

ACTIVE LISTENING!

"How does one use active listening and in what ways?" you might ask.  Well, I'm giving suggestions that I learned through what I read this week in John M. Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I'll give examples of what my husband and I do in our daily lives to clarify and give ideas.

Keep this in mind: The small things are what count!  

• Small Discussions: Calling to check on each other, asking how their day went, how they slept the previous night, discussing what's for dinner.

Example: John (my husband) and I not only do all of these things daily, but we also discuss things we need to pick up whenever our next grocery trip is.  Whether or not the conversation is important, it is in the fact that each time you chat, your bond tightens and gets stronger ever so slightly. 

• Chores: Dishes and laundry need doing?  Ask your spouse to help out or offer to help if it's their turn (just make sure they know it's because you want to be with them, not because you think they'll mess up and do it wrong!). 
  

 Example: Depending on who starts, one of us will be washing, while the other is clearing the table, bringing the dirty dishes to the sink, and wiping down the stove/counters if needed.  Tag teaming it is the best way to do chores, don't you think? This provides time to just chat about your day or what's on your mind with each other.

• Running Errands: Grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, dropping a child off at or attending their sports/music practice.
  

Example:  John and I always do our grocery shopping together with very few exceptions.  This will obviously get more difficult to do when more children and work come into the picture.  Until then, John is attending Grad School and when he's available and we're in need of food, we head over to the store with our toddler and do the rounds together.  It's important to take advantage of opportunities like this when they present themselves so that you can spend more time together and get some more chatting in.

•  Have Stress-Reducing Conversations: Do you or your spouse have something on your mind and need to complain about something?  Have a conversation about it.
  

Example: John came home last night and needed to rant about how people expect so much more from him time-wise than he can give, how they don't understand just how busy he is, and the stress of studying for 10 finals.  These types of conversation is not a "fix my problem" kind and should not be treated as such.  Most of the time, your spouse just wants to rant and as Gottman said, react in a sympathetic way such as "poor baby" without actually saying that.  Gottman's tips in this area are 
1) Take Turns- Each of you should get to complain for about 15 minutes so you both get something off of your chest without cutting into the others rant session.
2) Don't Give Unsolicited Advice- Don't try to fix their problems if they aren't asking.  It only backfires.
3) Show Genuine Interest- Making eye-contact, nodding and responding show that you care about them and what they are saying.
4) Communicate Your Understanding- Show you know what they are saying and understand what they are going through.  Empathize and agree that you would feel the same way they do if you were in their shoes.
5) Take Your Spouse's Side- Be supportive even if you think they are in the wrong (and DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE IN THE WRONG).
6) Express A "We Against The World" Attitude- Let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7) Express Affection- Physical touch (hug, back rub/scratch, kiss)and verbal confirmation of your love for them is important to remind them you've got their back and that someone cares about them.
8) Validate Emotions- Agree that you'd feel the same way as them like "I'd be so frustrated about that too" to let them know that you know how they are feeling about their problems.

• Do Spiritual Things Together: Are you spiritual and share the same beliefs?  Go to church together, pray together, do whatever it is your religion is about, but do it together.

 

Example: John and I attend our church every Sunday, pray every night together, read scriptures together every night, have spiritual discussions often, attend the temple together and teach/share with one another for weekly Family Home Evenings.  If we learn or have a realization of some sort, we share that with each other.  Doing all these things not only helps us grow spiritually, but grow together and appreciate our similarities and the moments together.

  When couples follow these suggestions, they are sending signals to each other such as "I want to spend time with you, I like being with you," "I am interested in what you have to say and what your day was like."  These bring couples closer and over time, the more you've done this, the more resilient your marriage will be through the hard times.  Because you built so many positives from these moments, you will not be easily wavered in your relationship.