In-Law Relations

Many movies and TV shows have taken the difficulty of getting along with in-laws and made them comical toward which many of us can relate to.  Having in-laws can be a head-butting and troublesome thing to deal with, but my focus here is how we should treat one another and how we can get along.  

Turning to Each Other Instead of Your Parents

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

Both the parents and their children who are being married off must accept and follow this wise scripture. When we marry, we start a new life with our spouse, and they are supposed to be our new confidant.  This can be difficult for those who were very close to their parents, especially mothers and daughters.  Mothers often have a hard time letting go of their child and losing that control.  They want their children to be happy and to be with someone they deserve, but they have to understand that they need to lovingly butt out so that their child and their new spouse can find their marital independence together.  The newly wed daughter who used to tell her mother everything and vent to her needs to turn to her husband instead.  How can they grow together if they never confide in each other, and go to their parents instead?  If the parents-in-law accept and withdraw from smothering their child and their new spouse with advice and trying to make them do things, then their relationship with their in-law will be less strained.

Holidays
This is a tricky part that every couple hits within the first little bit of their marriage.  

• Who do we spend which holiday with?

• When can we start having our own as a new family?  

• Will we offend our families if we can't go to every family gathering or prefer to have our own?  

These questions go through all of our minds.  I want to share a personal example for this part.
Example: I have always loved spending holidays with my family.  It means everything to me.  I like how we do things and how into each holiday we get.  When I was engaged to John, the only time I could meet my in-laws before our marriage was Thanksgiving.  Luckily, I had spent Thanksgiving away from most of my family the year before so that one was no biggie for me.  That Christmas ended up being spent with my family since we were to get married just a few weeks later in that area.  However, the next couple of Christmases after were also spent with my family.  Thanksgiving ended being with my brother's family and in-laws and then we finally held one at our place with our best friends who were also newly weds and my younger brother, then last time was at my mother-in-law and step father-in-law's place with John's siblings.  John's parents divorced when he was 19 and so he prefers to spend holidays with whoever has his siblings if we do spend them with his family.  
Last Christmas, my father-in-law was to have the kids and they would spend it over at his parent's house which was where we were staying at that time.  However, my sister's wedding was a week before the holiday in New England.  My whole family was going to be spending Christmas together, and my dad's side of my extended family were all going over to where they were staying to spend Christmas Day together.  I hadn't spent a holiday (especially Christmas) with all of them since I was a little girl, and they are my fondest childhood memories.  I absolutely adore my extended family.  But I knew it had been about 6 years since John even got a Christmas with his siblings.  He obviously deserved that turn and I accepted going to the wedding and still seeing everyone but coming back the day before Christmas Eve to spend it with John's family a good compromise.  
It was still hard to be the only one of my family not with everyone else, but I knew how special that Christmas ended up being for John to spend it with his beloved family.  I don't regret that decision.  I was spoiled enough until then to have every many Christmas with my family anyway!  How did I get away with that for that long?

So, this holiday discussion is important to have with each other as spouses.  Don't let your parents guilt you into anything you don't want to do.  Make your own decisions and try starting your own traditions and having your own holidays when you're ready.  Some couples want to try that sooner than others (we're one of the slower ones I think!)

I know I focused mostly on holidays, but what needs to be worked on from the parents-in-law is letting them develop their marital identity, accepting differences of your in-law, avoid being intrusive in their marriage, only give advice when asked, and encourage your child to turn to their spouse rather than you.  These will relax what tension could be found among your in-laws and it shows you trust them and will give them independence.

Marital and Parenting Power Relationships

Power relationships in families have a big impact whether it's negative or positive.  When there are power struggles among the husband and wife, the strife rubs off on the children and the family slowly draw apart from each other.  However, if the parents are united in cause, then the family can flourish and strengthen in their bonds with one another.

First, we must recognize that parents are the leaders of the family.  The children look up to them and follow their example.  Parents need to be aware that their children will do as they observe from them.  The power relationship between the two of you is one of those things they observe. You have a powerful role that way, but must use it wisely and with love.  Do not dominate the children or be harsh with them.  Lead, guide, teach, love and respect them.  Don't become that lax parent who lets their children get away with whatever they want, because that ends up hurting them more than making them happy.  Make sure your standards are clear and unbreakable and explain why your rules are there. (AVOID: "Because I said so" answer)  Be together in your rule-making and making sure you are on the same page with each other as the parents.

"Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language-- 'No'... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency.  They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need." (John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children)

Second, we need to be united together in that said leadership position as I mentioned earlier.  If one parent says "no" to a child and the other says, "yes" then there will be obvious conflict there.  Children can and will take advantage of theses scenarios and will try to play their parents off of each other.  Not nice, but it happens.  It's important to avoid taking your child's side over your spouse.  Instead, whenever there is disagreement between the two of your on an issue a child approaches you with, take time to go speak to each other privately until you agree on something before answering your child.  That way, you are on the same page, you appear united to your children and no one does the dumg thing of demeaning your child's other parent in front of that child.

"Parents... should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children... The wife, also, should treat with the greatest respect and courtesy.  Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him... Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home. (Joseph F. Smith, "Gospel Doctrine", pp. 283-284)

Third, we must accept and acknowledge that the parent-child hierarchy that the children were raised in dissolves as they become adults and leave home.  This is something the mothers especially struggle with.  Losing and letting go of the control in keeping your children safe and influencing good decisions is basically gone.  Eventually our children marry and start their own families, and we need to restrain ourselves from getting too involved with that.  Parents with good-intentions have caused divorces in their children's marriages from trying to get involved.  We need to put the reigns on, watch and don't interfere with their marriages.  Yes, we've got tons of advice and yes, they may struggle in their marriage, but remember that no marriage is perfect.  That's great if they approach you and ask for advice, but be aware that they can do whatever with that advice.  They don't have to listen to you.  Your children might be the ones nervous about making their own choices or seek your help often.  We need to keep in mind the importance of their independence and not take advantage of that.  If they have a spouse, tell them to take the matter to them and discuss it with them.  Be very cautious to not overstep your boundaries, even if it's invited by your child.

"Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children... Live your own life." (President Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage", P. 17)

Fourth, your relationship with your spouse should be an equal partnership.  A lot of marital issues are caused by power struggles within the marriage.  If we treat our spouse as an equal in decisions and responsibilities and see them as such, you enjoy a happier and healthier relationship.  Be interested in hearing what your spouse has to say and take their opinions seriously.  Make sure that your children can see that you see their other parent as an equal partner.

"Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship between a man and a woman should be one of partnership.  A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed." (H. Burke Peterson, "Ensign", July 1989, p. 9)  

Fifth, figure out what your power relationship is within your marriage.  By identifying this together, you can figure out if that's the kind you want, and if not, then you can discuss together what you'd like to achieve in that area and how to do so.  This will help you achieve that equal partnership status if you don't have it already.  Therefore, this last and final step is important!

Following these steps will help you become the ideal (or at least get you closer to the ideal) parenting duo for you and your spouse.  Remember kindness with not just your children, but with each other.  Stay mindful of how you act with each other in front of your children, because they are watching and listening.  They learn from you.

Personal thoughts:  I know from using myself as an example that children take some of what they learn from their parents' marriage and apply it to their own.  Because I am aware of what I've done, I do all that I can to make sure I treat my husband as an equal and with respect in from of our daughter.  She's not even 18 months old, but we've already seen how she watches and repeats what she observes from us, like words and actions.  It's very humbling to see how vital an effect we have on a child.  We agreed in a previous Family Home Meeting back before our daughter was born that we would stand together on issues our children would approach us with.  If we are unsure or not on the same page, we've agreed to leave to room and discuss it with each other in private until we are agreed and decided and ready to take the answer to our child.  I hope these steps, quotes, and examples help influence and give you all the want to become equal in your marital and parental partnership, because it really does have a huge impact on the family how you decided to use your power.

Marital Infideity

This week's reading focused on a couple different things.  First, there was physical intimacy within marriage, and how it should be viewed (especially within the church).  Then, there was infidelity, and the different types of it.  What I would like to focus on this blog, is how infidelity comes to happen, and what to do to avoid it.

"Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity." (Kenneth W. Matheson, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

What kinds of infidelity are out there?  Well there's sexual and physical infidelity where you give your body to another who is not your spouse.  However, that's not the only way and only time a spouse "cheats" on the other.  There is emotional and spiritual infidelity.  Emotional infidelity is when your emotions and your thoughts focus on someone who isn't your spouse.

"Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing." (Kenneth W. Matheson, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

Because it's so gradual and begins innocent, it is important that we avoid the situations that can lead to harming our marriage.  Here's a suggestion of something my husband and I do that I encourage for every couple:
-At the beginning our marriage, we agreed to avoid finding ourselves alone with someone of the opposite gender.  No giving rides to them if they aren't accompanied by anyone else if it can be helped.  
-One other thing we agreed on is to give each other the passwords for all of our accounts (emails and Facebook).  This one mostly came from what happened in the marriage of my in-laws.  My mother-in-law got a Facebook account  and started communicating and private messaging someone who she went to high school with in the past.  She started confiding in him and complaining to him about her marriage.  Whenever my father-in-law walked into the room while she was doing so, she immediately switched pages so that he couldn't see what she was doing.  Eventually they got divorced, and so in order to avoid following in his parent's steps, we found it important to never keep secrets from one another and so having each other know the passwords, we're less likely to try to communicate with someone in secret like that.

If we never find ourselves alone and bonding with another who isn't our spouse, or communicating privately with them without our spouse's knowledge, then emotional infidelity is a lot easier to avoid.  I suggest that you be aware of when you find yourself 
-Forming a bond with someone of the opposite gender who isn't your spouse
-Starting to confide in this person more than your spouse
-Complain to that person about your marriage
-Compare your spouse to that individual and wish they were more like them
-Become more emotionally connected to the person and thinking of them more than your spouse

Watch for these warning signs so that you can stay out of trouble!  Your spouse should always be not just your #1, but your only one!