Here are those said steps:
1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults
Do many of these words sound familiar? If you recall, it's because I mentioned them in a previous post of mine titled "Preventing Divorce". That one focused more on the negative side of these of not using them correctly while this one shows the positive side of using them the right way.
So lets break these down, shall we?
1. Soften your startup: A soft startup is a direct complaint rather than a contemptuous accusation or criticism. Remember how the harsh startup was so damaging? Well when we begin softly, we are more likely to end softly. As Dr. Gottman said, "...discussions invariably end on the same note they begin."
Personal Example- My husband promised me a few nights ago he would turn on the dishwasher since all of our dishes seemed to be in it, all unclean. The next morning, I found the dishwasher as I last saw it, full of dirty dishes leaving me to clean some by hand in order to have breakfast. When my husband came into the kitchen, instead of criticizing him, I just pointed at the dishwasher and said, "Dishwasher wasn't turned on." Since I didn't attack him, he didn't get defensive and instead apologized and was frustrated at himself for forgetting. No contempt between us found in that problem!
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts: Just to remind you, a repair attempt is any effort at "putting the breaks on" in the middle of the discussion because it seems to be going downhill. Any pause from the topic that will give you a restart works. If not used, things will indeed worsen, and if not received by the other, then it's even worse, showing that they aren't backing down and won't try to make it better. That's why it's important to not only offer those repair attempts, but also be willing to accept them when your spouse tries it.
Personal Example- When my husband and I start to get into arguments and he defends himself by pointing out something he does right in that area of discussion, then I always stop myself, and agree with him. I would say something like, "You're right, I'm sorry." If I ignored him instead, he would of felt, unappreciated, taken for granted, and ignored (because that's what I would have done to him!). My acknowledgement showed my respect and gratitude for him and softened us up.
3. Soothe yourself and each other: This one is referring to the physiological side which leads to calming your emotions. When you find yourself or both of you feeling overwhelmed in a heated discussion, the best choice to to take a cooling down period of at least 20 minutes in order to let your body relax, which then calms your mind, making it capable of thinking again, and soothing your emotions. After you're both completely calm, you can continue the discussion with a level head. It provides a reset that was needed.
Example- We actually haven't had such a heated discussion as of yet where we needed this, so I have no examples to give. However, Gottman explains what to do in order to soothe yourself when you've taken that break from the argument. He first suggests sitting in a comfortable chair or lying down, take regular, deep breaths to control your breathing, relax your muscles, let the tension flow out of them, and imagine them feeling heavy and warm, think calm thoughts (like of a peaceful forest), hold onto that peaceful thought for 30 seconds, and then continue to picture calming images until it's been at least 20 and you're all calm. When soothing each other, you can help your spouse by guiding them through those same steps after you've taken them.
4. Compromise: We all know what compromise is (when you both have to give up something to agree/accept whatever the problem is) and many of us still try to get 100% of what we want. However, it's only damaging to the relationship. We should be more focused on giving rather than taking. Sometimes, we are not willing to budge on something, but we can make way for smaller things that have to do with the subject.
Example- Gottman has an exercise for couples on compromise practice. Both spouse is to have their own piece a paper where they draw two circles: the inner circle and the outer circle. The inner circle (which is the smaller one inside the larger one that's the outer circle) is where you write down what you can't give up on, and the outer circle is where you list "all the aspects of the problem you can compromise about." (Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work) Then you share your lists with each other, look for common bases of where you agree, and discuss until you've come to a new mutual agreement on the topic. The point is to accept and respect their differences and come up with a common way of thinking. I highly recommend this activity to those needing work on compromise.
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults: None of us are perfect and we can't expect our spouse to change everything that bugs us and become what we want them to be. We are also imperfect and there are many things we do that bug our spouse, but we aren't going to change every single thing, are we? We need to be more accepting rather than correcting. Yes, we want to be able to help our spouse become a better person, but we have to give and take in that area. Again, no one is perfect. We just need to love them no matter their quirks and annoying habits.
Personal Example- My husband has a habit of forgetting to clean something when he's in charge of cleaning up our daughter after a meal, and I tend to find myself going back and cleaning what was missed. I've talked to him about it several times, and he obviously doesn't mean to do it, so I decided I just have to accept that he'll most likely forget something. I've moved on since.
NOTE: These problem-solving techniques will only work if the problem is a solvable problem rather than a perpetual one (Permanent problem that cycles around and is never solved).
"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other..."
-The Family: A Proclamation to the World
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