Overcoming Gridlock

What does it mean to be gridlocked over a problem?  It means that you and your spouse have a specific issue that you can't come to turns on and probably never will.  And so, it is unsolvable and locked, unable to open and get past.  The couple in gridlock also becomes emotionally disconnected from each other. 

Some examples of gridlock issues would be:
-One of you wants children, but the other doesn't
-One of you wants to attend church together but the other is Atheist
-One of you loves to get out of the house, but the other prefers staying home
(Examples taken from John Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.)

Gottman's suggestion in this area is not not try to solve it (since it obviously is impossible), but to turn it from gridlock to dialogue.  So that eventually you both can discuss it without hurting each other (emotionally).  And in order to start the journey, you need to first identify and understand the cause, but ultimately when your in gridlock, it's "a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other." (Gottman, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work)

Identify the cause: There are different levels of dreams (practical and proud).  However, the deeper the dream, the more likely they may be hidden and can be harder to identify.  Gottman mentioned that the deeper dreams are also often rooted in childhood, having to do with how you were raised whether they are fond memories you want to recreate or struggles you'd like to avoid with your own family.
Example: I have a dream to raise my children in the church I was raised in since it brought me such joy and comfort throughout my hardships and made me a better person,  Also, I'd love to recreate weekly church attendance together with my family which I enjoyed doing with mine growing up.

Respect the dream: Gottman said, "...the happy couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage."  When we discover our dreams together and incorporate them and each other's goals into our concept of marriage, then we'll be a happier couple.  Therefore, respect for those goals and dreams are an important step to becoming sensitive to each other and understand where you are coming from in the gridlock issue.
Example: My husband and I discussed our dreams (the ones we were aware of that we had at the time) with each other before we entered marriage so that we could be on the same page and gain support from one another for them.  That way the basics in that area down by the time we were married.

Discover those hidden dreams: This can be a difficult step and includes a lot of talking and some reminiscing to achieve.  Some of those dreams can be so deep down where it can be hard to identify where your actions and wants come from.  However, because these dreams can be the root of the gridlock problems, it makes it that much more important to discover these dreams so that you can discuss your issues without inflicting pain on one another.  When the dreams are discussed openly, the couple connects.  
Example (not a personal one): An nonreligious husband may be against upbringing his children in a church in fear of their being indoctrinated and relying on the church rather than him as their parent.  Growing up, he had no religion but always relied on his parents and they were close with each other.  His dream is to recreate that bond but with him as the parent and for his children to rely on him and be close to him.  The wife grew up relying on her religion which gave her comfort and strength and got her through the hard times.  Her dream is to recreate that with her children so that they can find comfort and strength from her religion like she did.  

Discuss those dreams: Discussing those dreams will bring out an understanding among each other and as I said earlier, will connect you emotionally.  Afterwards, soothe each other and you may even be able to have little agreements in one the subject, although it won't be solved completely.  This will bring you together and will complete the step out of gridlock because of your connection.
Example (not personal): Going back to the previous example I used, the couple discussed those memories and feelings and shared those dreams.  They then made an agreement that the wife could take the kids to church with her weekly and wouldn't oppose to baptism, but they were not to have intensive religious study so that they can avoid any ideas the church would put on the child that the husband would disapprove (like anything that would make the child turn to church rather than him).  There was no complete dream being made on either side, but enough so and they were able to talk about it and become closer together.

After completing these steps and saying thank you to each other and ending on a positive note will take away any judgement that was originally there and will invite happy feelings.  This connection once reached is very special especially when compared to where you came from (no emotion at all).  Gridlock had been overcome!  Your relationship is strengthened because of this achievement.  Enjoy this new accomplishment and remember these steps for your next gridlock issue!

Managing Conflict

 In John Gottman's book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, he says, "...I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship."  He continues to list 5 steps/suggestions on how to do so.  

Here are those said steps:

1. Soften your startup

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3. Soothe yourself and each other

4. Compromise

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults

Do many of these words sound familiar?  If you recall, it's because I mentioned them in a previous post of mine titled "Preventing Divorce".  That one focused more on the negative side of these of not using them correctly while this one shows the positive side of using them the right way.  

So lets break these down, shall we?

1. Soften your startup:  A soft startup is a direct complaint rather than a contemptuous accusation or criticism.  Remember how the harsh startup was so damaging?  Well when we begin softly, we are more likely to end softly.  As Dr. Gottman said, "...discussions invariably end on the same note they begin."
Personal Example- My husband promised me a few nights ago he would turn on the dishwasher since all of our dishes seemed to be in it, all unclean.  The next morning, I found the dishwasher as I last saw it, full of dirty dishes leaving me to clean some by hand in order to have breakfast.  When my husband came into the kitchen, instead of criticizing him, I just pointed at the dishwasher and said, "Dishwasher wasn't turned on."  Since I didn't attack him, he didn't get defensive and instead apologized and was frustrated at himself for forgetting.  No contempt between us found in that problem!

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts:  Just to remind you, a repair attempt is any effort at "putting the breaks on" in the middle of the discussion because it seems to be going downhill.  Any pause from the topic that will give you a restart works.  If not used, things will indeed worsen, and if not received by the other, then it's even worse, showing that they aren't backing down and won't try to make it better.  That's why it's important to not only offer those repair attempts, but also be willing to accept them when your spouse tries it.
Personal Example- When my husband and I start to get into arguments and he defends himself by pointing out something he does right in that area of discussion, then I always stop myself, and agree with him.  I would say something like, "You're right, I'm sorry."  If I ignored him instead, he would of felt, unappreciated, taken for granted, and ignored (because that's what I would have done to him!).  My acknowledgement showed my respect and gratitude for him and softened us up.

3. Soothe yourself and each other:  This one is referring to the physiological side which leads to calming your emotions.  When you find yourself or both of you feeling overwhelmed in a heated discussion, the best choice to to take a cooling down period of at least 20 minutes in order to let your body relax, which then calms your mind, making it capable of thinking again, and soothing your emotions.  After you're both completely calm, you can continue the discussion with a level head.  It provides a reset that was needed.
Example-  We actually haven't had such a heated discussion as of yet where we needed this, so I have no examples to give.  However, Gottman explains what to do in order to soothe yourself when you've taken that break from the argument.  He first suggests sitting in a comfortable chair or lying down, take regular, deep breaths to control your breathing, relax your muscles, let the tension flow out of them, and imagine them feeling heavy and warm, think calm thoughts (like of a peaceful forest), hold onto that peaceful thought for 30 seconds, and then continue to picture calming images until it's been at least 20 and you're all calm.  When soothing each other, you can help your spouse by guiding them through those same steps after you've taken them.

4. Compromise:  We all know what compromise is (when you both have to give up something to agree/accept whatever the problem is) and many of us still try to get 100% of what we want.  However, it's only damaging to the relationship.  We should be more focused on giving rather than taking.  Sometimes, we are not willing to budge on something, but we can make way for smaller things that have to do with the subject.  
Example- Gottman has an exercise for couples on compromise practice.  Both spouse is to have their own piece a paper where they draw two circles: the inner circle and the outer circle.  The inner circle (which is the smaller one inside the larger one that's the outer circle) is where you write down what you can't give up on, and the outer circle is where you list "all the aspects of the problem you can compromise about." (Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work) Then you share your lists with each other, look for common bases of where you agree, and discuss until you've come to a new mutual agreement on the topic.  The point is to accept and respect their differences and come up with a common way of thinking.  I highly recommend this activity to those needing work on compromise.

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults:  None of us are perfect and we can't expect our spouse to change everything that bugs us and become what we want them to be.  We are also imperfect and there are many things we do that bug our spouse, but we aren't going to change every single thing, are we?  We need to be more accepting rather than correcting.  Yes, we want to be able to help our spouse become a better person, but we have to give and take in that area.  Again, no one is perfect.  We just need to love them no matter their quirks and annoying habits.
Personal Example- My husband has a habit of forgetting to clean something when he's in charge of cleaning up our daughter after a meal, and I tend to find myself going back and cleaning what was missed.  I've talked to him about it several times, and he obviously doesn't mean to do it, so I decided I just have to accept that he'll most likely forget something.  I've moved on since.

NOTE:  These problem-solving techniques will only work if the problem is a solvable problem rather than a perpetual one (Permanent problem that cycles around and is never solved).

 "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other..."

-The Family: A Proclamation to the World

When we incorporate these steps, they will help us to get through successful conversations and come to an agreement on whatever that problem is discussed.  These bring in respect, love and care for one another, and help us catch ourselves when our arguments are going downhill.  We will become more unified as husband and wife and it will bring us closer together.  It helps build resiliency in a marriage and I don't know about you, but for me, this is what I want within my own marriage. To accept, respect, and be able to resolve our problems together.

Keeping Pride out of Marriage

Pride effects relationships only in a negative way.  It keeps us from getting along and holds us back from what could be a very loving and wonderful relationship.  When we let pride control us we become selfish beings who are set in their ways, unwilling to change or adjust.  We refuse advice and victimize ourselves.  Think about these aspects within a marriage.  Do you think that would go over well?  Not at all.

Many people today consider pride as feeling pleasure or satisfaction of their achievements, but in the scriptures, pride is when you become stubborn in your ways and place enmity between yourself and God.

 President Ezra Taft Benson once said:
"Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.  In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride- it is always considered a sin.  Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby."

So what do we need to replace pride with?  Humility.  Let your spouse influence you and don't resist them.  Accept them rather than try to change them and avoid competition ( who owes who favors, who wins the arguments, etc.). In his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman gives a couple of activities to encourage and practice yielding for your spouse.  One was focusing more on how to take a situation where your spouse is upset at you and turn it into a "you're right, let's try to figure this out" end that would help bring the couple closer to together.  The second activity is a scenario where you and your spouse end up shipwrecked and on a deserted tropical island.  There is a list given of items out of which you and your spouse each write 10 of what you personally think are the most important items to keep for that situation.  You then have to share your top 10 with each other and out of those must pick 10 together.  This is good problem-solving practice as well as a good opportunity to be humble and not try to force your opinions on each other.  After everything's been chosen and agreed upon, there is a questionnaire for the couple to take to see how they handled the activity and if they let themselves be influenced by each other and if you got along while doing that or sulked.

All of us at one time or another find ourselves being prideful against our spouse, it's natural.  However, it's harmful and so we must do our best to get rid of it.  Because there are so many ways to be prideful, I will give a few things to work on avoiding the next week in any relationship (marriage, family, friends). 

• Defensiveness: When my husband or I confront each other of something we did wrong, or forgot to do, we both end up defending our actions.  Instead, we should be apologizing, recognizing what we slipped up on, and discuss it/work on it.  Take the humble way out!
• Stubbornness/Unwillingness to change:  In arguments, when John questions me about why I did something a certain way, even though I realize it was silly, I defend my actions and say that it's how I do things.  I should have recognized aloud that it was silly and from then on, would do what makes sense.
• Selfishness/Only thinking of your needs: Sometimes we focus on what we want and how we feel and tune out the others needs/wants/feelings when we argue.  We should really be putting each other first in everything.
• Unwillingness to learn from spouse: Going along with unwilling to change, in those discussions when I learn of something I do wrong or weird, sometimes I fight it and refuse to take anything from that discussion.  I should have let myself be influenced by him and realize it's ok to be corrected since I'm not perfect and I realized after he pointed it out that I was doing it weird/wrong anyways so I should accept it and learn from it.

Give these a practice, I'll be working on them too!  Remember to choose humility and that pride will only tear us down!

Active Listening and Becoming Closer as a Couple

What is a way we can remain emotionally connected with our spouse?  

ACTIVE LISTENING!

"How does one use active listening and in what ways?" you might ask.  Well, I'm giving suggestions that I learned through what I read this week in John M. Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I'll give examples of what my husband and I do in our daily lives to clarify and give ideas.

Keep this in mind: The small things are what count!  

• Small Discussions: Calling to check on each other, asking how their day went, how they slept the previous night, discussing what's for dinner.

Example: John (my husband) and I not only do all of these things daily, but we also discuss things we need to pick up whenever our next grocery trip is.  Whether or not the conversation is important, it is in the fact that each time you chat, your bond tightens and gets stronger ever so slightly. 

• Chores: Dishes and laundry need doing?  Ask your spouse to help out or offer to help if it's their turn (just make sure they know it's because you want to be with them, not because you think they'll mess up and do it wrong!). 
  

 Example: Depending on who starts, one of us will be washing, while the other is clearing the table, bringing the dirty dishes to the sink, and wiping down the stove/counters if needed.  Tag teaming it is the best way to do chores, don't you think? This provides time to just chat about your day or what's on your mind with each other.

• Running Errands: Grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, dropping a child off at or attending their sports/music practice.
  

Example:  John and I always do our grocery shopping together with very few exceptions.  This will obviously get more difficult to do when more children and work come into the picture.  Until then, John is attending Grad School and when he's available and we're in need of food, we head over to the store with our toddler and do the rounds together.  It's important to take advantage of opportunities like this when they present themselves so that you can spend more time together and get some more chatting in.

•  Have Stress-Reducing Conversations: Do you or your spouse have something on your mind and need to complain about something?  Have a conversation about it.
  

Example: John came home last night and needed to rant about how people expect so much more from him time-wise than he can give, how they don't understand just how busy he is, and the stress of studying for 10 finals.  These types of conversation is not a "fix my problem" kind and should not be treated as such.  Most of the time, your spouse just wants to rant and as Gottman said, react in a sympathetic way such as "poor baby" without actually saying that.  Gottman's tips in this area are 
1) Take Turns- Each of you should get to complain for about 15 minutes so you both get something off of your chest without cutting into the others rant session.
2) Don't Give Unsolicited Advice- Don't try to fix their problems if they aren't asking.  It only backfires.
3) Show Genuine Interest- Making eye-contact, nodding and responding show that you care about them and what they are saying.
4) Communicate Your Understanding- Show you know what they are saying and understand what they are going through.  Empathize and agree that you would feel the same way they do if you were in their shoes.
5) Take Your Spouse's Side- Be supportive even if you think they are in the wrong (and DO NOT TELL THEM THEY ARE IN THE WRONG).
6) Express A "We Against The World" Attitude- Let your spouse know that you are in this together.
7) Express Affection- Physical touch (hug, back rub/scratch, kiss)and verbal confirmation of your love for them is important to remind them you've got their back and that someone cares about them.
8) Validate Emotions- Agree that you'd feel the same way as them like "I'd be so frustrated about that too" to let them know that you know how they are feeling about their problems.

• Do Spiritual Things Together: Are you spiritual and share the same beliefs?  Go to church together, pray together, do whatever it is your religion is about, but do it together.

 

Example: John and I attend our church every Sunday, pray every night together, read scriptures together every night, have spiritual discussions often, attend the temple together and teach/share with one another for weekly Family Home Evenings.  If we learn or have a realization of some sort, we share that with each other.  Doing all these things not only helps us grow spiritually, but grow together and appreciate our similarities and the moments together.

  When couples follow these suggestions, they are sending signals to each other such as "I want to spend time with you, I like being with you," "I am interested in what you have to say and what your day was like."  These bring couples closer and over time, the more you've done this, the more resilient your marriage will be through the hard times.  Because you built so many positives from these moments, you will not be easily wavered in your relationship.