Marital and Parenting Power Relationships

Power relationships in families have a big impact whether it's negative or positive.  When there are power struggles among the husband and wife, the strife rubs off on the children and the family slowly draw apart from each other.  However, if the parents are united in cause, then the family can flourish and strengthen in their bonds with one another.

First, we must recognize that parents are the leaders of the family.  The children look up to them and follow their example.  Parents need to be aware that their children will do as they observe from them.  The power relationship between the two of you is one of those things they observe. You have a powerful role that way, but must use it wisely and with love.  Do not dominate the children or be harsh with them.  Lead, guide, teach, love and respect them.  Don't become that lax parent who lets their children get away with whatever they want, because that ends up hurting them more than making them happy.  Make sure your standards are clear and unbreakable and explain why your rules are there. (AVOID: "Because I said so" answer)  Be together in your rule-making and making sure you are on the same page with each other as the parents.

"Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language-- 'No'... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency.  They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need." (John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children)

Second, we need to be united together in that said leadership position as I mentioned earlier.  If one parent says "no" to a child and the other says, "yes" then there will be obvious conflict there.  Children can and will take advantage of theses scenarios and will try to play their parents off of each other.  Not nice, but it happens.  It's important to avoid taking your child's side over your spouse.  Instead, whenever there is disagreement between the two of your on an issue a child approaches you with, take time to go speak to each other privately until you agree on something before answering your child.  That way, you are on the same page, you appear united to your children and no one does the dumg thing of demeaning your child's other parent in front of that child.

"Parents... should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children... The wife, also, should treat with the greatest respect and courtesy.  Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him... Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home. (Joseph F. Smith, "Gospel Doctrine", pp. 283-284)

Third, we must accept and acknowledge that the parent-child hierarchy that the children were raised in dissolves as they become adults and leave home.  This is something the mothers especially struggle with.  Losing and letting go of the control in keeping your children safe and influencing good decisions is basically gone.  Eventually our children marry and start their own families, and we need to restrain ourselves from getting too involved with that.  Parents with good-intentions have caused divorces in their children's marriages from trying to get involved.  We need to put the reigns on, watch and don't interfere with their marriages.  Yes, we've got tons of advice and yes, they may struggle in their marriage, but remember that no marriage is perfect.  That's great if they approach you and ask for advice, but be aware that they can do whatever with that advice.  They don't have to listen to you.  Your children might be the ones nervous about making their own choices or seek your help often.  We need to keep in mind the importance of their independence and not take advantage of that.  If they have a spouse, tell them to take the matter to them and discuss it with them.  Be very cautious to not overstep your boundaries, even if it's invited by your child.

"Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children... Live your own life." (President Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage", P. 17)

Fourth, your relationship with your spouse should be an equal partnership.  A lot of marital issues are caused by power struggles within the marriage.  If we treat our spouse as an equal in decisions and responsibilities and see them as such, you enjoy a happier and healthier relationship.  Be interested in hearing what your spouse has to say and take their opinions seriously.  Make sure that your children can see that you see their other parent as an equal partner.

"Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship between a man and a woman should be one of partnership.  A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed." (H. Burke Peterson, "Ensign", July 1989, p. 9)  

Fifth, figure out what your power relationship is within your marriage.  By identifying this together, you can figure out if that's the kind you want, and if not, then you can discuss together what you'd like to achieve in that area and how to do so.  This will help you achieve that equal partnership status if you don't have it already.  Therefore, this last and final step is important!

Following these steps will help you become the ideal (or at least get you closer to the ideal) parenting duo for you and your spouse.  Remember kindness with not just your children, but with each other.  Stay mindful of how you act with each other in front of your children, because they are watching and listening.  They learn from you.

Personal thoughts:  I know from using myself as an example that children take some of what they learn from their parents' marriage and apply it to their own.  Because I am aware of what I've done, I do all that I can to make sure I treat my husband as an equal and with respect in from of our daughter.  She's not even 18 months old, but we've already seen how she watches and repeats what she observes from us, like words and actions.  It's very humbling to see how vital an effect we have on a child.  We agreed in a previous Family Home Meeting back before our daughter was born that we would stand together on issues our children would approach us with.  If we are unsure or not on the same page, we've agreed to leave to room and discuss it with each other in private until we are agreed and decided and ready to take the answer to our child.  I hope these steps, quotes, and examples help influence and give you all the want to become equal in your marital and parental partnership, because it really does have a huge impact on the family how you decided to use your power.